


Followed

by Sad_Not_Angry



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of Violence, Schizophrenia, Short Chapters, Stalking, joshler - Freeform, no like really short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2019-11-27 21:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18199490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sad_Not_Angry/pseuds/Sad_Not_Angry
Summary: Would I call myself a stalker? Not entirely. I'm not trying to hurt or scare him. I just want him to be mine.





	1. ONE

I tap out a random tune on the piano as I think about the boy I saw today.

We ran into each other in the grocery store. I mentioned that I thought I knew him, and he said I look familiar. He introduced himself with his first and last name. I smiled at that, though his name was mute in my ears. We talked for a good five minutes before parting ways. I wouldn’t catch random parts of his sentences, but I made do with what I did hear.

I think about his face, his colorful hair, his strong build, his pale skin. I’ve seen him from afar but now up close, and he has seen me.

The truth is, he does recognize me, whether he knows it or not. He sees me almost every day. Because I’m following him.

I am constantly in the background of his life. Peering through windows, hiding behind shelves in bookstores. I watch him go about his busy little life and learn all the things he likes to talk about. I see him drumming in his garage in the late evening in my rear view mirror. 

The first time I saw him, I knew I had to have him. It was an immediate attraction for me, he was walking outside of the grocery store where we talked today. I was going in, but found myself turning around and following this magnetic individual. I didn’t even get groceries that day. 

I instead followed him in my car, all the way to his house. I wrote down his address and since then I’ve been following. Learning. Keeping my distance.

Would I call myself a stalker? Not entirely. I'm not trying to hurt or scare him. I just want him to be mine. 

One night I watched with pleasure as he argued with his girlfriend, and found myself smiling when he declared they were now “on a break,” whatever that means. I’ve never understood relationships on that level. Why get so close to someone who drives you so insane? How do you know if what you’re feeling is love or simply stubbornness? Do you actually want to be with this person out of love, or are you just too stubborn to lose one of your chosen battles?

I have no interest in getting that close to him. I don’t want to be so involved that I get to the point he and his ex were at the other night.

From afar, everything is safe. You have this beautiful, special person you’ve chosen, and the daydreams that play out in your head. It’s all fake, fantasies… But even so, people are much more appealing that way. You can make them perfect for you, ignore all the little things that you’d rather not think about. The little things that would be shoved in your face if you were with them in real life.

He treats me well when he sees me following him. Smiling at me just like he does every other stranger. He obviously hasn’t noticed yet. I sometimes wonder if he’s dumb. I wonder that about everyone though. If I was getting followed, I think I’d know.

But normal people don't think so hard about everything, so I've heard. My therapist I used to see a year and a half ago once told me I need to stop overthinking everything and it would be easier for me to make friends. I told him I think just enough about everything, and if people aren't what I want then I have no reason to stick around. If someone isn't perfect, are they even worth the trouble?

Is Josh perfect? Probably not. I have high standards-- standards that I have no idea how to articulate. But if he isn't right, I'll know. 

I talked to him today at the grocery store because I think I want him to notice me. I want to see him realize that I’ve been here the whole time. Months have gone by since I saw him first. I wonder if he’ll be scared of me. I wonder if it will be harder for me to see him. Probably.

I’d trailed off from playing the piano, just sitting on the bench lost in thought, when my phone chimes. A facebook notification. I open it up and it’s a friend request. From him.


	2. Chapter 2

I run through my apartment to my room, where I’ve hidden pictures of him in my desk. All of the best ones I’ve taken with my polaroid. Suddenly this man on paper has become someone very real. What if I see something I don’t want to? What if he isn’t all I want him to be any more?

How did he find me? How did he find me? The thought plays on repeat. I begin to go a little out of control. Maybe he’s been following me this whole time. Maybe he knows everything. Maybe this is some sort of game for him.

I push myself up against the wall and begin to breathe quickly, dropping my phone and the pictures of him. My brain keeps screaming what if’s at me and I cover my ears to try and get it to fucking stop. No help. I hit my head on the wall repeatedly. That helped. The voice inside my head calms as a dull ache spreads throughout my head. I lay on the ground and hold my head in my hands.

I try to think rationally. He probably just saw me on his recommended friends list and added me. Maybe he knows someone who knows me. Though it’s not likely. I don’t know many people. I think about all the friends I used to have before I realized they weren’t good enough. 

I grab my phone from where it lays in front of me and unlock it. I stare at the ‘add friend’ button with fear. After a good minute of sheer anxiety, I click ‘add.’

Then I lock my phone and set it on the ground in front of me. I never post anything on facebook, so he won’t know anything about me. I shouldn’t be so worried. But now that we’re connected, he’s going to be able to pull me out of a crowd easier. I’ll just have to start being more careful.

I start to see things, I’m panicking too much.

He won’t know, I’m good at this. I think everything through before I do it. I’ll be fine.

Right?

‘Right,’ says the voice in my brain. I feel a little better.

I decide to pick up my phone and learn a little more about Josh. He mostly posts videos of him drumming, pictures of his dog, funny memes. He doesn’t really post any opinions of his online, which I like. He seems neutral to me still. The anxiety gripping my chest starts to subside. I start to hallucinate a little less. 

After looking at his facebook for a good twenty minutes, I get up from where I was laying on the ground. I stretch out and head for the front door. I want to see what Josh is up to tonight. 

****

I watch Josh’s house, he’s in there. I can’t really see him though.

I think about going into his house, him being friendly with me. I want it to happen, but it won’t.

The truth is, before I started following Josh I was very alone in life. I don’t have many friends, or any for that matter. I don’t really do anything. I was very depressed. Josh, and the daydreams that come along with him, have added a new light in my life. 

I ache to be with him, but I am scared of what that entails. I worry he won’t be good enough. I worry I’ll ruin him.

I’ve had people leave because I am too much to handle. I get very intense sometimes, very weird. Delusional. It’s too much for some people.

People talk about me, my old friends, I’m sure Josh has heard something about me. I don’t want to talk to him about it. 

I watch as his silhouette moves across the window in his living room.

I take a picture on my phone. I get out of my car and casually walk by the front of his house, trying to see exactly what he’s doing. Watching TV. I stealthily move to the side of his house to see what he’s watching.

This is nice, Josh and I watching the news together. I smile as boring forecasts and sports updates flash across the screen.

I stay and watch with him for a few minutes before I decide it’s time for me to get going. It’s always nice seeing him, but I can’t stick around too long.


	3. Chapter 3

“Josh,” I say gently. He’s here with me, his lips are beautiful. I hear my name fall from his mouth before it’s on mine. We’re kissing. 

All of a sudden, I wake up. My heart is racing. I want to fall back asleep to recapture the dream, but I lay in bed sleeplessly. It could be real. 

Josh has made no move to contact me since he added me on facebook. Maybe he forgot he even did it. I close my eyes and curl up tight in my blankets, thinking of how warm it would be if his body was here next to me.

Maybe I should try to be his friend. No, that won’t work. He’ll probably just make me mad by not being everything I want. Then I would have to find someone new, I don’t want to find someone new.

I grab my phone and look through the pictures of him I got yesterday while he was out to eat with one of his friends. It made me jealous, seeing him with someone else. 

He’s mine, nobody else’s. 

I wonder if we dated, if he would ever take me out to eat. Probably. 

I close my eyes and try to think of something other than Josh. It doesn’t work. It never works. 

I think about going over to his house, but he’d probably be asleep. I can’t see into his bedroom, he always leaves the curtains drawn in there. Instead, I choose to create a scene in my head where he is in bed holding me. 

His arms around my waist, holding me from behind. Him pressing his face into my shoulders and whispering to me how much he loves me. I love Josh, or the Josh I have made up. 

I love him. And I’ve only spoken to him once. I wish there was a way for me to make him like me as much as I like him. 

I’m so tired of being alone. 

I unlock my phone again, but this time I go to his page. I see he’s shared something in the last hour, which means he’s probably awake. As I scroll down, I accidentally like one of his posts. I stare at the blue thumbs up and anxiously tear the dead skin off of my bottom lip. 

What will he think? Will he even notice? Should I unlike it? Would that make the notification go away?

.

I saw Josh again today. He was out walking his dog. 

On my way home from watching him at the park, I got into a weird mood. I felt like I had too much energy, too confident. 

I messaged him on facebook. 

I just said hello, and he said it back. I don’t know what else to say. Ask him how he’s doing?

Ever since then I’ve been avoiding touching my phone. I’ve been writing in my notebook for the past hour, trying to relax. I can’t. I’ve overstepped the boundaries I placed for my own good and his. 

If he ever finds out I’m with him, he’ll call the police. He won’t want to be friends any more, I might be legally restrained from seeing him. 

I chew on the inside of my lip, causing an open sore to form. I don’t stop biting it until it’s swollen and painful. 

I decide to pick up my phone, no more messages from Josh. Just the greeting. 

I take a deep breath and type a message back, mentioning a video of him drumming that he posted and telling him how much I like to create music, too. Honestly, since I started following him I have gotten back into writing my own stuff. 

I used to, then I started playing songs other people had made, then I stopped playing all together. Now I’m back. Watching Josh fills me with so much energy, and I can feel me getting closer to him every day. Maybe that’s just the daydreams of being with him. 

I set my phone down and stare at it, stomach twisting in knots. Don’t fuck this up, Tyler.


	4. Chapter 4

I lay sprawled out in my bed. I’ve been staring at the ceiling for twenty minutes or something. I feel like a worm drying out in the sun, slowly losing the capability of moving my body and breathing. 

It’s so hard to think like this, bad memories clouding my brain. Regret is filling my body, I can’t stop thinking about the things in my life I should have done different. About the things I wish would have happened, about the things I’d rather forget ever happened to me. 

I feel like I’m dying. 

I turn on my side and grab my stomach, which is twisting in knots and making me feel nauseous. I wish Josh would come hold me, rub my back and tell me everything’s going to be okay. 

I just want to do something right, I want something to work out. I turn my head and shove my face into my pillow. It’s so hard to breathe. 

I hate when I start feeling like this. 

I want to text Josh, but I’m afraid I might do something stupid. Say something that will show my true venerability to him. I don’t want anyone to see that part of me. I just think about him really hard instead. 

Every time the panic in my stomach starts to subside and I feel like I can breathe again, it all comes back. 

I decide spending some time with Josh might help me feel a little better. I get ready quickly and drive to his house. I arrive just as he’s pulling out of his driveway. Curious, I follow him at a distance. I notice he has his dog with him and smile. 

After going with Josh through town, we end up at a park. I park a block away and wait a minute in my car before getting out. I take my camera and phone. 

I find him throwing a ball for his dog. They’re both so cute, it makes me smile when I see him talking to the puppy. 

I get as close as I can without risking being seen and turn on my camera. I aimlessly take pictures of the trees and flowers, sneaking in pictures of Josh every so often. I don’t want anyone to notice all my attention is actually on him, so I wander around and pretend to be really into the small purple flowers sprouting from the grass. 

When I look back over, Josh has moved spots because his dog and a dog I don’t recognize have started playing together. I don’t recognize the owner either. I wonder if Josh knows this person. I try to fight off an unholy jealousy as I see the two pet owners exchange a few words. 

I want to go over and yell at her to leave him alone, but I don’t. 

I end up sitting in the grass people watching for about twenty minutes before deciding I should leave before Josh does, just in case. 

When I get home from hanging out with Josh, I look at all the pictures I got of him. I come across a picture of him in the middle of throwing the ball for his dog. His shirt is up at the bottom, exposing his lower stomach. All his muscles are tense. 

It makes me feel things I get kind of embarrassed about. I stare at the picture for a long while before setting my camera down and rubbing my eyes. 

Then something in my brain shifts and all the times I’ve been left breathless by Josh are flashing through my mind. I know I need to have him, under no circumstances can he be anyone else’s. He’s perfect, he’s all I want, he’s the only one that cares. 

Even though we are quiet to each other, I know he cares. 

I can feel it, we’re supposed to be together.

**Author's Note:**

> back at it again with the joshler fanfiction
> 
> again tyler is suffering from schizophrenia, something i have troubles with myself. as the story goes on it'll get a lot more intimate, i'll up ratings and add tags as needed [ollies out]


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